Monday, 13 July 2009

Queen Bee

This is the sort of thing I was making while in college.

I think you see how it is directly fed by all the life drawing that I was doing during that time, although I have taken the human body and made it into something else. In this instance some sort of angel, with wings, but also a little sting in her tail (toe)

It was made during that part of my life when I was vulnerable, but desperately trying to protect myself and depending on others for advice and support as well. But much as it was a difficult time those college years were some of the best of my life.

I had a wonderful Art College experience. I went back in 1995 as a mature student. I remained a student at the Crawford College of Art and Design in Cork for five years and during those years my life grew in a way that it had not for the previous 35 years of my life.

I was desperately insecure about myself and life in general. I felt completely overawed by the knowledge and talent of others, but had never admitted such a thing to others or even myself. I had played the part of the successful, artist, wife and mother for so long that I seemed to fool most of the people most of the time but worse than that I was completely fooling myself all of the time and as a result of course i could never progress and never hope to learn anything. The reasoning goes that if you already know everything there is nothing left to learn.

The greatest joy I achieved from that period was to be able to look at the world like a child once again. With incredible wonder and a yearning to learn everything from the bottom up. To do that you have to start by admitting that you are ignorant and that is hugely daunting at that stage of life. But I eventually let go in almost all quarters and really started learning and truly understanding things. The thing is, it is now an ongoing process and i am still addressing various parts of my life as I go along. But waking up each morning with a childlike sense of wonder is a great place to start. The sunrise is fresh everyday and each spring the new leaves unfurl as if they never had before in all the history of time. And yet that gentle repetition is also a wonderous thing. The cycles as they turn year in year out, week by week, month by month build up a fantastic pattern of life and i rejoice in that too.

Do you know something wonderful. I started this blog this morning with a complete other theme in mind. I was going to talk about my college life and the turmoil that it caused at that time. But somehow i got sidetracked in the most delightful way. More delightful because this morning when I woke up I had a heavy head and my heart was mournful too and then to compound things it was raining as well. And yet instead of talking about mournful things I have spoken here about hope and optimism. To turn your life around like that is truly a wonderful thing and today I have just done it.

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